Learn why developing biblical discernment before marriage is essential for recognizing godly character, seeing clearly beyond your emotions, and making wise relationship decisions that honor God.
You Need Discernment Before You Need an Answer
Most of us don’t start thinking seriously about discernment until there is somebody to discern. Before that, we’re just living our lives, praying about marriage, maybe dating here and there, and believing that when the right man comes along, we’ll know. But discernment is something we need to develop long before our feelings get involved. Hebrews 5:14 (NLT) talks about mature believers who “through training have the skill to recognize the difference between right and wrong.” In other words, discernment takes practice. We learn God’s Word. We learn His ways. We grow in our relationship with Jesus Christ AND obey Him in the everyday things. All of that matters because once you really like somebody, things can get complicated.
Right now, he’s funny. He’s attentive. You like talking to him. You’re attracted to him. You’re starting to wonder where this could go. And suddenly something you would have spotted immediately in your friend’s relationship doesn’t look nearly as concerning in your own. That’s why the time to develop discernment isn’t after you’re already picking out wedding colors. You need it before your feelings get involved enough to convince you that what you’re seeing isn’t really a problem.
Look at His Life, Not Just His Résumé
There is nothing wrong with knowing what qualities you would like in a husband. But sometimes our lists have everything on them except the things that will actually matter when we’re married. We notice education, career, income, appearance, personality, whether he wants children, whether he makes us laugh, and whether we have things in common. Those things may matter to you, but none of them tells you very much about his character.
And character usually doesn’t announce itself on the first few dates. In the beginning, most of us are putting our best foot forward. We’re attentive. We’re thoughtful. We return calls. We watch what we say. That’s why discernment needs time. Eventually, life interrupts the presentation. There will be disappointment, inconvenience, disagreement, frustration, and moments when nobody is trying particularly hard to impress anybody. Pay attention then. A man’s relationship with Jesus Christ should eventually become visible in the way he lives, not simply in what he tells you about his faith. You shouldn’t have to keep gathering little pieces of evidence to convince yourself that he’s serious about God. Over time, there should be something consistent to see. Jesus said in Matthew 7:16 (NLT), “You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act.” Anybody can make a good impression for a while. Discernment gives character enough time to introduce itself.
This is also where we have to be careful about potential. Potential can keep a woman hanging around for a very long time. You aren’t discerning who he might become one day if he gets serious about God, deals with his anger, becomes more responsible, stops lying, learns how to communicate, and finally decides he’s ready for commitment. You’re discerning the man who is standing in front of you right now. Of course people grow. Thank God they do. None of us would want to be judged forever by our weakest season. But marriage is too serious to build on the assumption that somebody will eventually become the person you need him to be. You can encourage somebody. You can pray for somebody. You can see wonderful qualities in somebody and sincerely want God’s best for his life. None of that means you have to marry him.
Your Feelings Get a Voice, Not the Final Vote
Having strong feelings for someone doesn’t mean you’re foolish or spiritually immature. Attraction is real. Affection is real. The excitement of meeting someone you genuinely enjoy can be wonderful. But feelings were never meant to carry the entire weight of a marriage decision. Proverbs 4:23 (NLT) tells us, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Guarding your heart doesn’t mean becoming suspicious of everyone or refusing to let yourself care. It means you don’t hand your heart the microphone and tell wisdom to sit down. Sometimes what feels wonderful isn’t wise. Sometimes what we desperately want isn’t God’s best for us. And sometimes the hardest thing about discernment isn’t figuring out what we’re seeing. It’s being willing to accept the truth when accepting it may mean walking away from someone we’ve grown to care about.
Discernment before marriage isn’t mainly about becoming skilled at spotting the wrong man. It is part of becoming spiritually mature. We want to know God’s Word well enough to recognize when something contradicts it. We want to walk with Jesus Christ closely enough that pleasing Him matters more than keeping a relationship. We want enough humility to receive wise counsel and enough courage to act on what God shows us. And sometimes discernment will cost us something. It may mean walking away from someone we genuinely care about. It may mean being single longer than we wanted. It may mean admitting that we saw things earlier and didn’t want to see them. But obedience to God is never wasted. Before you ask, “Lord, is he the one?” make sure you’re also willing to ask, “Lord, am I seeing this clearly, and will I obey You if the answer isn’t the one I want?” Because learning discernment before marriage isn’t ultimately about becoming better at choosing a husband. It’s about becoming better at recognizing truth and following Jesus Christ wherever He leads. ■
Holy Bible, New Living Translation copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
“Before You Say ‘I Do’ Series- Part 5: Learning Discernment Before Marriage”, written by Reverend Fran Mack, edited by Kim Times and KLizzie, for Sundie Morning Sistas ©2026. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord! SMS is dedicated to encouraging and inspiring Christian Women to live boldly through God’s Word.
