Developing the Wisdom to Recognize Character, Make Sound Decisions, and Protect Your Heart
1. Don’t Confuse Attraction with Discernment
There’s nothing quite like meeting someone who catches your attention and makes you feel all warm and wonderful inside. He’s handsome, charming, easy to talk to, and seems to know exactly what to say. Before long, you’re looking forward to his calls, smiling at his messages, and wondering whether this might be the man you’ve been praying for. But hold on just a minute! Being attracted to someone doesn’t necessarily mean he’s right for you. Attraction is a natural part of romantic relationships, but it doesn’t tell us much about a person’s spiritual condition, character, or readiness for marriage.
Philippians 1:9–10 (NLT) says, “I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return.” This passage teaches us to grow in love, knowledge, and understanding so that we can recognize what really matters. That’s why discernment is so important. We need wisdom that helps us look beyond what appeals to our emotions. It’s the kind of wisdom that helps us to consider whether a person’s character and conduct reflect the example of Jesus Christ.
2. Pay Attention to Character, Not Just Conversation
Some people can talk a mighty good game! They know how to say all the right things, make wonderful promises, and paint a beautiful picture of the future. And when we’re hoping to find someone special, those words can sound awfully convincing. But character isn’t established by what a person says about himself. It’s revealed through the choices he makes, the way he treats people, and how he conducts himself when things don’t go his way. Pay attention to how he handles responsibility, whether he keeps his word, and how he responds when someone disagrees with him. Does he acknowledge his mistakes, or is everything always somebody else’s fault? Is he respectful toward other people? And how does he treat you when he’s disappointed or doesn’t get what he wants? You can learn a lot about someone by watching what he consistently does rather than relying on what he promises to do.
3. Recognize Red Flags Without Making Excuses
Here’s where we sometimes get ourselves into trouble. We recognize something that doesn’t sit right with us, but instead of dealing with it, we start looking for reasons to excuse it. Maybe he has a terrible temper, but we tell ourselves he’s just under a lot of pressure. Perhaps he’s dishonest about little things, but we convince ourselves those things aren’t important enough to worry about. Or maybe he’s controlling, disrespectful, or constantly pushing against boundaries we’ve clearly established. We see these behaviors, yet we keep hoping they’ll disappear once the relationship becomes more serious.
Proverbs 22:3 (NLT) teaches, “A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions. The simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences.” We need to understand that discernment isn’t simply the ability to recognize when something is wrong. It’s also having the wisdom to respond appropriately. We can pray for someone, care about him, and sincerely desire God’s best for his life without making ourselves responsible for changing him. And we should never mistake enduring mistreatment for demonstrating godly love.
4. Don’t Allow Loneliness or Desire to Override Wisdom
Wanting to be loved, cherished, and married is understandable. And when you’ve been single for a long time, watching other people get married, raise families, and build lives together can sometimes make the waiting especially difficult. But loneliness can become a dangerous influence when we allow it to make decisions that should be governed by wisdom. A woman who ordinarily wouldn’t tolerate certain behaviors may begin overlooking them because she doesn’t want to start over or face the possibility of being alone again. She may tell herself that nobody’s perfect, that every relationship has problems, or that perhaps she’s expecting too much. It’s certainly true that nobody is perfect, but as believers in Jesus Christ, we should be growing and becoming more like Him every day. Knowing this truth is a game-changer.
Every marriage will require patience, forgiveness, and grace. But there’s a world of difference between accepting someone’s imperfections and ignoring patterns of behavior that threaten your emotional, spiritual, or physical well-being. Don’t become so determined to have a husband that you lose sight of whether the man you’re considering is someone that you can build a healthy marriage where Christ is always the head of it.
5. Let God’s Word Govern Your Decisions
One of the greatest blessings of having a relationship with Heavenly Father is that we don’t have to depend entirely on our own understanding when making important decisions. We can seek His wisdom through Scripture, bring our concerns before Him in prayer, and receive godly counsel from people who have demonstrated spiritual maturity. But we must also be willing to pay attention to what we’re learning. Sometimes we keep asking God to show us whether someone is right for us when we’ve already witnessed behavior that should give us serious concern. We want another confirmation, another conversation, or another opportunity to see whether things will change.
Proverbs 4:23 (NLT) reminds us, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Guarding your heart doesn’t mean becoming suspicious of everyone or being afraid to love. It means recognizing that your heart is precious and that the decisions you make about relationships can have lasting consequences. Take your time. Ask meaningful questions. Observe character. And when what you’re seeing doesn’t line up with God’s Word, don’t be afraid to make the decision that wisdom requires. You can love Jesus Christ, desire marriage, and still have the good sense to walk away from a relationship that isn’t good for you. ■
Holy Bible, New Living Translation copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
“Learn to Discern Before You Give Your Heart”, written by Reverend Fran Mack, for Sundie Morning Sistas ©2026. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord! SMS is dedicated to encouraging and inspiring Christian Women to live boldly through God’s Word.
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