More Than Waiting for the Right Person
When it comes to marriage, just about every woman I know wants the whole package. And by that, I mean a man that looks the part, is financially secure, responsible, intelligent, and loves the Lord. He’s kind but firm, generous but not wasteful, and loyal to the core. This is the man you’ve envisioned walking down the aisle to, and you’ve spent a lot of time focusing on finding him and having the wedding you’ve dreamed about. But here’s a question we don’t always ask ourselves: While we are praying for God to prepare the right person for us, are we allowing Him to prepare us to be the right person for someone else?
There’s a lot of talk about preparing for the blessings we desire most. And honestly, that’s a really good thing, because preparation matters. Before God entrusts us with something precious, He often prepares our hearts to receive it and handle it well. Consider the span of time between Adam’s sin and the birth of Jesus Christ. Heavenly Father did not immediately send His Son into the world after humanity fell. Thousands of years passed before Christ came, and throughout that time, God was patiently working through His divine plan. He was preparing the world for the greatest blessing it would ever receive—the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ.
Why Self-Control Matters Before Marriage
And if God took time to prepare the world for the gift of His Son, why would we think He would not take time to prepare us for the gifts we are asking Him to give us?
Many of us pray for a godly spouse, but sometimes we forget that God is just as concerned about preparing our hearts as He is about preparing our future. Before He joins two lives together, He often begins a work within each person individually. Because marriage is not just about finding the right person; it is about becoming the kind of person who can love, serve, and sacrifice the way He intended.
One of the ways God prepares us for marriage is by developing His character within us. He teaches us to surrender our desires to His Will, respond with wisdom rather than impulse, and grow in the fruit of the Spirit. This is where self-control becomes so important.
Self-control is not simply a personality trait or something some people naturally have while others struggle with. According to Scripture, self-control is a fruit produced by the Holy Spirit. Galatians 5:22-23 (NLT) tells us, “But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control…” Notice that self-control is listed right alongside love, patience, and faithfulness. It is not a minor character quality; it is evidence that God is working within us.
Marriage Reveals What We Have Been Becoming
And here is the truth we need to sit with: Marriage does not magically produce discipline. Marriage often reveals whether discipline was already being developed. A wedding ring does not automatically make someone patient, faithful, forgiving, or wise. Marriage brings two imperfect people together, and what is already growing in our hearts will eventually show up in how we love each other. Self-control affects far more than our physical desires. It impacts our emotions, our words, our anger, our spending, our attention, our decisions, and yes, our sexuality. Before God gives us the blessing of marriage, He lovingly teaches us how to surrender ourselves to Him.
When we talk about self-control, we cannot ignore one of the areas where many unmarried couples struggle the most—the area of physical intimacy. God created sexual desire, and there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that. Attraction, chemistry, and the desire to be close to another person are part of how God created us. The problem is not that we have desires; the question is whether we allow those desires to come under the authority of God’s Will. Are we allowing those desires to lead us outside of the boundaries He established?
We have to be real with ourselves. Disobedience doesn’t help us; it sets us back. When we ignore that reality, we also ignore the wisdom God wants us to have. Self-control is not about denying our desires. It is about bringing them under God’s authority so they strengthen a future marriage instead of weakening the foundation we are trying to build.
God’s Timing Is Part of His Design
The world often teaches us that if two people love each other, physical intimacy is simply the natural next step. But God’s design for sex was never casual, careless, or disconnected from commitment. He created sexual intimacy as a beautiful gift to be experienced within the covenant of marriage. Self-control means understanding that something can be good and still need the right timing and the right covering.
Self-control is not just about saying “no” to things that can harm us; it is also about learning how to say “yes” to the things that will strengthen the marriage God desires for us. The discipline we develop before marriage will become the foundation we carry into marriage. Proverbs 25:28 (NKJV) says, “Whoever has no rule over his own spirit is like a city broken down, without walls.” God gives us this picture because He understands that a life without self-control leaves us exposed. When we cannot govern our own emotions, words, desires, and actions, those areas will eventually impact the people closest to us.
A person who learns to surrender their emotions to God before marriage is better prepared to handle conflict with grace. A person who learns to control their words before marriage is better prepared to communicate with love. A person who learns to put God above their own desires before marriage is better prepared to love their spouse with patience, humility, and sacrifice. ■
Holy Bible, New Living Translation copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
“Before You Say ‘I Do’ Series- Part 2: Learning Self-Control Before Marriage”, written by Reverend Fran Mack, edited by Kim Times, for Sundie Morning Sistas ©2026. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord! SMS is dedicated to encouraging and inspiring Christian Women to live boldly through God’s Word.
