Learn why bringing your wounds, past hurts, and unhealthy patterns before God is an important part of preparing for a Christ-centered marriage.
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Before You Bring Someone Into Your Life, Let God Work on Your Heart
We spend a lot of time preparing for marriage by thinking about the person we want to marry, the kind of wedding we want, and the kind of life we hope to have together. But there is another part of preparing for marriage that we don’t always think about—preparing ourselves. Every one of us has a history. We have things that happened to us, things we have done, things people have said to us, and experiences that may have left wounds we are still carrying. Some of those wounds may be easy to recognize, while others have become such a normal part of how we think and respond that we don’t even realize they are affecting us. Before we say “I do,” God wants us to be willing to bring those places to Him. Marriage cannot heal what we refuse to acknowledge, but God can begin healing what we are willing to place in His hands.
Psalm 147:3 (NLT) tells us, “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.” God is not asking us to pretend the wound isn’t there. He already knows what happened. He knows what hurt us, what disappointed us, what frightened us, and what changed the way we began to see ourselves or other people. He also knows the places where our own choices caused pain. Healing begins when we become willing to be honest with God about what is going on inside of us and allow Him to show us what still needs His attention.
What We Carry Can Follow Us Into Marriage
One of the mistakes we can make is believing that the right relationship is going to make everything better. We may think that when someone truly loves us, we will finally feel secure. We may believe that once we are married, the loneliness will disappear, rejection won’t bother us anymore, or the pain from another relationship will finally be behind us. And yes, a loving marriage can bring joy, companionship, support, and comfort. But we have to be careful not to expect a husband or wife to heal places in us that only God can heal. Your spouse can love you through some difficult places, but they were never meant to take God’s place in your healing.
What hasn’t been dealt with before marriage doesn’t automatically disappear after the wedding. Sometimes it shows up in ways we didn’t expect. Fear of rejection may cause you to become overly sensitive when your spouse simply needs some space. Being betrayed in the past may make it hard to trust someone who has given you no reason not to trust them. If you grew up around unhealthy conflict, you may shut down, become defensive, or respond harshly when disagreements come up. If you spent years feeling unwanted, you may need your spouse to constantly reassure you that you are loved. The difficult part is that we may not even recognize these responses as wounds because they have become normal to us. We may simply think, “This is just how I am.”
This is why Proverbs 4:23 (NLT) tells us, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” What is happening in our hearts affects more than how we feel. It can affect the choices we make, what we expect from others, how we respond when we are hurt, and how we handle our relationships. If we are preparing to share our life with another person, we should be willing to ask God to show us what is happening beneath the surface. What are we carrying that still needs His healing? What patterns have we accepted as normal that God may want to change? Marriage is too important to enter into without allowing God to deal with the places in our hearts that still need Him.
Healing Requires Honesty
There are some things we can bury so deeply that we convince ourselves they don’t matter anymore. We may say, “I’m over it,” because so many years have passed. We may avoid thinking about something because remembering it still hurts. We may even forgive someone and assume that because we have forgiven them, there is nothing else God needs to deal within us. But forgiveness and healing, while closely related, are not always the same thing. We can make the decision to forgive and still discover that what happened affected the way we trust, love, communicate, or even see ourselves. Sometimes we don’t realize how deeply something affected us until God begins to bring it to the surface. And when He does, it isn’t because He wants to make us relive the pain. He wants to heal what we may have learned to live with.
David prayed in Psalm 139:23–24 (NLT), “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” That is a courageous prayer because we are giving God permission to show us what we may not see on our own. Sometimes He will reveal hurt. Sometimes He will reveal fear. Sometimes He will show us resentment we thought we had released. And sometimes the issue isn’t what someone else did to us at all. God may show us pride, selfishness, controlling behavior, insecurity, jealousy, or another pattern in us that needs to change.
This is where healing becomes part of spiritual growth. We aren’t only asking God to make painful feelings go away. We are asking Him to help us become whole enough to respond differently. We want Him to renew our thinking, correct what we have come to believe, and teach us healthier ways to respond.
Let God Begin the Work Now
If marriage is something you desire, don’t spend all of your preparation time asking God about the person He may bring into your life. Ask Him about you. Ask Him what needs His healing. Ask Him whether there are wounds you have learned to live around instead of allowing Him to address. Ask Him whether something from your past is still influencing what you expect from love. Ask Him to show you any unhealthy pattern that could make it difficult for you to give and receive love in a godly way.
Before you say “I do,” give God permission to work on your heart. Let Him heal what has been wounded, correct what has become unhealthy, and renew what has been shaped by pain. You do not have to enter marriage as a perfect person. None of us can. But you can enter it as someone who has learned not to hide from God’s healing hands—and who understands that the person you marry was never meant to take God’s place in making you whole. ■
Holy Bible, New Living Translation copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
“Before You Say ‘I Do’ Series- Part 4: Pursuing God’s Healing Before Marriage”, written by Reverend Fran Mack, edited by Kim Times, for Sundie Morning Sistas ©2026. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord! SMS is dedicated to encouraging and inspiring Christian Women to live boldly through God’s Word.
