Quiyana wrote to me because her best friend passed away almost two years ago, and it has caused the kinds of problems in her life that she never in a million years suspected she’d encounter. Quiyana is conflicted because she has feelings for her best friend’s husband, who is now a widow. He is raising his daughters on his own, and has no idea of her feelings. She is the God-mother of both girls, 10 and 13, and she has a wonderful relationship with them, but they are extremely protective of their mother’s memory. They have made it very difficult for their father to begin dating again. Every time he mentions the idea of seeing someone new, the girls become very emotional. Believing them to be still so vulnerable after the loss of their mother, Quiyana doesn’t want to damage her relationship with her God-daughters. She is confused about what to do.
Growing up, she and her best friend, Desi, lived on the same street and had known each other since the seventh grade. Desi met David, her husband, while they were both in the military and stationed overseas. Quiyana had never looked at David as anything but a brother and friend while Desi was alive. He was so faithful to his family and after watching him with the girls and seeing the true caliber of man he is, Quiyana says that she has developed a love for him that she has never experienced for any other man.
The only other person that Quiyana has told about her feelings is her grandmother, a person of whom she has tremendous respect. Her grandmother has been a Christian for many years, and she does not approve of her granddaughter’s feelings for her deceased best friend’s widow. She believes that Quiyana should continue to bury those feelings and put some distance between her and David until she can ‘come back to her senses.’
Quiyana is in her late thirties and has only recently gotten serious about her commitment to Christ. If this had happened a few years ago, she admitted that she wouldn’t have had nearly as much inner conflict as she does now.
David’s birthday is coming up soon, and the girls have asked for their God-mother’s help to make his birthday celebration special. Quiyana feels her continued involvement with them will only cause her feelings for David to deepen. She loves the girls very much and fears that by bringing her feelings out in the open, she might not only harm her relationship with her God-daughters, but there is also the possibility she will be rejected by David; who at this point has given her no indication of feelings other than those of a platonic nature.
Some people believe that while we very definitely can control whether or not we will act upon our feelings, we can’t control how we feel or who we will have feelings for. Proverbs 4:23 (NLT) warns, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” We tend to think of this verse in terms of the thoughts and feelings that are unquestionably dark in nature like jealousy, obsession, envy, and all such pettiness; but we don’t often perceive it as a warning to guard against feelings like loving the wrong person, or loving someone when it puts us at a disadvantage to do so. From the outside looking in, it isn’t obvious where Quiyana’s situation fits.
From personal experience, (I’m sure many of you can relate to this) it can be one of the most challenging things in life to find the person you believe to be your soul-mate. I know of individuals that believe they met their soul-mates or have had truly deep soul connections with an individual at some point in their lives; but because of what they believed to be extenuating circumstances, they never explored those feelings or shared them with the target of their affection.
In these cases, sometimes the situations are not nearly as problematic or complex as we think they are, and it isn’t a matter of circumstances. What’s really going on is that we bury our feelings or ignore them because of a fear of rejection. Many of us have the capacity to love very deeply, and instinctively we understand that this translates to being hurt very deeply as well. We don’t want to chance it, and this keeps us from moving forward.
Some people that have kept their feelings to themselves in these instances have deep regrets later that they did so. They find that life did not afford them a second chance to meet someone that touched their soul in a certain way. So there are risks certainly, but there is also the potential for huge payoffs; the benefits can be life changing in the most positive ways. Quiyana’s situation happens to be shrouded in the guilt that she may be dishonoring the memory of her best friend. She is facing the possibility of not being able to keep her very important commitment as a God-parent, and she could potentially have to also come to grips with the fear of rejection.
As a praying community of sisters in Christ, we’ve gotten to know each other. Our sisterhood spans the globe from Australia, Africa, Europe, and North America, and we’re always so incredibly grateful for your continued prayers and support. You are some of the most spiritually mature, compassionate, and lovely women on the planet. We not only ask for your prayers to provide helpful and wise counsel, but we are released to also ask that you help us to do so. We invite you to respond via email, Facebook, or Twitter. Should Quiyana take the advice of her grandmother and put some distance between herself and this family or should she share her feelings with David in hopes of having a future with him? Your compassion and spiritual wisdom is greatly appreciated. ■
Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.
“Help Us Help Quiyana!” written by Reverend Fran Mack, edited by Kim Times for Sundie Morning Sistas ©2017. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord! SMS is dedicated to inspiring and encouraging Christian Women through the Word of God.